In 1997, psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron published a set of 36 questions designed to accelerate intimacy between two strangers. The list went mainstream after Mandy Len Catron wrote about it in the New York Times in 2015. Below is the full list, plus a few notes from six years of using them.

"We met in 2020 during lockdown — our first date was on Zoom, an hour apart, legally unable to drive more than 5km from home. Questions were all we had. Six years later they're still how we stay close." — Greg & Kate

Set I

The warm-up. These questions are designed to open the conversation — not yet vulnerable, but real enough to calibrate how the other person thinks.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

The lift. These questions are where most people start to feel the shift — something more personal, harder to answer without actually thinking.

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most terrible memory?
7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

The whole point. By this stage, you've built enough warmth to answer these honestly. These questions are the ones Aron designed to produce genuine closeness.

1. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
2. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having said to someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

How we use them now

Don't do all 36 in one sitting unless you're on a second date and feel like it. We did. It was a lot.

Sets II and III are where the lift is. Set I is warm-up. If you're with someone you already know, you can start at Set II.

The four-minute eye-contact step at the end of the original study is the part that actually does something. Don't skip it because it feels strange. It's supposed to feel strange. That's the mechanism.

You don't have to go in order. The questions work as stand-alone prompts — one at a time, whenever the moment is right.

Want to keep going?

GoDeeper is built around the same principle — questions that take a conversation past the surface. Decks for couples, first dates, friends, family, and teams. Each card is a question worth answering.

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Related

• How we met using these questions →
• GoDeeper for couples →
• GoDeeper for dating →
• Early dating compatibility questions →

Sources

• Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.
• Catron, M. L. (2015). To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This. The New York Times.